The Psychology of Online Dating: The Psychologist’s Viewpoint

Psychologists interested in dating and attraction have learned a great deal by reading and examining the personal advertisements and ‘lonely hearts’ pages of local and national newspapers. Since we psychologists have benefited from the people who use these services it seems only right that some of the things we’ve found should be given back. In this series of articles I will outline some of the more practically useful findings that have come from this research and provide a summary of the results reported in academic psychology journals, written for those who probably have the greatest interest in this knowledge: the daters themselves.

There is quite a bit of material to cover so I have organised it into a series of six articles:

The Psychologist’s Viewpoint

This article gives an idea of the scope of research using personal advertisements, the way personal profiles are used in research, and the kind of things psychologists can find out when they put their minds to it.

He wants and she is

This outlines research into the things that men say they are looking for in a partner. Alongside this we look at how women describe themselves. Combining these we can assess how accurately women understand what men want and use the right kind of language to attract a man’s interest. This one is particularly useful for the girls and should help you write something for the ‘in your own words’ bit of your profile.

She wants and he is

This article gives the opposite perspective to the previous one, looking at the things that women say they want in a partner and the way that men describe themselves. Do these match up? Have men got it right or are they missing the point completely? This one might help the boys rethink the content of their ‘own words’ parts of their dating profiles.

Like for Like or Opposites Attract?

This article summarises the results in the previous two and uses these to outline the current psychological theories of attraction. It explains how ‘like attracts like’ and ‘opposites attract’ can both be true and how this can help you when you are first making contact with someone after reading their profile.

Blitzers, Boasters and Being Choosy

This article looks at research into general approaches to dating including the results found by researchers who experimentally placed different versions of personal advertisements and then sat back to see how many and what kind of responses they got.

Summary and Practical Uses

The final article of this series summarises all that has gone before and places this new knowledge firmly in the context of online dating, describing how these results can be constructively used to make fewer mistakes and to improve your chances of attracting responses to your profile and getting a positive response to your first approach to someone.

Before getting into the results of the research we need to take a brief tour around the ways in which research psychologists use personal advertisements and the kinds of things they can find, so we have some idea of the sort of things that psychologists can and cannot say about personal advertisements and internet dating profiles.

Content Analysis

Personal advertisements have been a rich source of information for social scientists investigating dating behaviours. To give an idea of the scale of this enterprise, my own research in this area is based on the analysis of nearly five thousand advertisements collected from UK local newspapers. Apart from this I have copies of more than sixty research reports published by colleagues in Brazil, Canada, Hungary, Japan, Poland, UK and USA. This adds up to about thirty thousand individual profiles that have been analysed by psychologists, sociologists and other professional researchers. Most of this research has used printed personal ads extracted from newspapers and magazines as these are more useful to us (as explained below) but the information and insights gained can be applied to any situation where first impressions come from written descriptions, so these results are directly relevant and useful to people using internet dating sites.

Creating a profile for an internet dating site usually involves describing yourself on a whole host of listed options such as eye colour (blue, green etc.), smoking habit, attractiveness, salary etc. This information is usually entered into the site using a form. Within this form each person makes their own choices from the options available but because it is a form, everyone has to mention the same kinds of things. In a sense, the dating site has already decided what the important features are and you simply tick the correct boxes when describing yourself and describing the sort of person you want to meet.

With printed personal advertisements there is no detailed form to fill in and you can write whatever you want. The only restriction is on the number of words with an escalating charge per word up to a maximum limit. As a result these advertisements are quite short, averaging about 22 words. This is typically enough space to mention about nine things, whether these are your own attributes (age, hair and eye colour, looks) or things you are looking for in a partner (sense of humour, marital status, age range, personality, height). Given these restrictions we can reasonably expect that people mention the most important things as they see it, so the content of these advertisements tell us what characteristics the writers think are important to the other sex, and what key things they are looking for themselves. For example, a personal advertisement that says “Stunning, curvy and adventurous 22 year old blonde female is looking for a financially secure older man, ideally with own hair and teeth, who will spoil her rotten.” gives a pretty clear indication of what matters to this person and what she is offering in return.

Researchers have taken thousands of personal advertisements and analysed them to look for general patterns. From this, they have identified some very clear differences between the kinds of things that are important to men and women when looking for a partner. They have also looked at how well the self descriptions of each sex matches the features that the other sex says they want, giving an indication of how much each sex understands about what the other sex is looking for. Results from this kind of research are discussed in the articles He wants and she is, and She wants and he is.

Apart from the specific attributes and features mentioned, there are also more general differences in how people write these descriptions. For example women tend to give more detailed information about the sort of person they are looking for than men, while men are more focussed on describing themselves. Looking at a profile from this perspective tells us quite a lot about the approach people take to dating, including whether they are looking for a few high quality matches or just want as many dates as they can possibly get. This research is summarised in the article Blitzers, Boasters and Being Choosy.

Knowing how people describe themselves and the sort of thing they are looking for also allows us to look at broader questions such as whether people are looking for others who are similar to themselves or would prefer a partner who is different but, in some sense, complementary. This is discussed in the article Like for Like or Opposites Attract where we find that both are true once we understand a more basic and useful theory of attraction.

Experimental Research

Apart from examining the advertisements that real people have written in the hope of finding a partner, psychologists have occasionally become active researchers and have placed experimental personal advertisements to see how many and what type of response they get. For example, if two almost identical advertisements are placed and one receives twice as many responses as the other, this tells us that the difference between these ads (which may be as small as one word) has a big effect on the chances of attracting a date.

Some psychologists have also used this type of research to investigate the sort of things that men and women write when responding to an advertisement. This has given researchers another way to classify the different approaches to dating and to identify groups such as the ‘blitzers’ who send responses to everyone in the hope that some of them will score a hit. Results from this experimental research are presented in the article Blitzers, Boasters and Being Choosy.

This article has outlined the organisation and content of this series, has introduced the ways in which psychologists approach dating research, and has indicated the sort of things they may be able to see from their viewpoint as researchers.

In the next article we move on to looking at some actual findings. He wants and she is looks at the features that women tend to emphasis when advertising themselves, the things that men are actually looking for, and whether or not womens’ self descriptions suggest they are marketing themselves well and have an accurate insight into what men want.

How to Start an Online Dating Business

Everyone in this world would love to have a companion to spend their time with and with all of the dating services available there is bound to be someone out there for every lonely soul. A good way to narrow down the search is to have a dating service that specifically targets a unique demographic. The online dating business is booming and there are so many of them flooding the markets. For those that are interested in starting an online dating business that is different and special there are ways to do that.

How to Start an Online Dating Business

The first thing to do when starting an online dating business would be to research the statistics on the type of service you would like to offer. Look at other dating sites and see what is favorable or not about their websites. Think about how much it would cost if anything to set up the site. Determine which demographic has not been over saturated and build off of that concept. Try and build a site that offers real advice, background checks on clients, astrological matching and self help articles. Once the research has bee done and the type of site is determined it is time to think about funding and publishing set up’s. There are the free publishing sites, but they may not offer enough of what is needed. A new business needs support, software, templates, advertising information etc, therefore paying a site to help at the beginning may not be a terrible idea.

Learn the Matchmaking Business

When starting an online dating business there must be some knowledge of that business obtained and studying everything out there is the best way to sharpen ones skills. A client should feel as if they are dealing with a professional dating service that knows their business. Pricing and fees should be examined by looking at other sites and seeing what the going rate is for services. View all of the statistics on running this type of business and develop an e-business plan. Know where the money is coming from, what products if any will be sold, and what skills must be obtained before officially opening for business.

Dating Site Builders

There are several dating site builders out there and they could be of great support to a beginner. They can teach someone about advertising, pricing, competition, and how to run a new and exciting dating service, from your ideas. They can also teach someone to bring traffic to their site and which articles and newsletters are popular among a specific group.

Conclusion

Starting an online dating service may seem like a difficult task but with the right publishing tools and support it is possible. When setting up an online dating service be sure to check with local state regulations to be sure that all of the rules are being followed and everything is being run properly. The small business administration may be able to help further on legal issues of starting an online business. Offering services that are currently being overlooked is the key to starting a successful online dating business.

Online Dating Guide – Will You Take 4 Simple Steps to Meet Your Great Love on a Dating Site?

An exciting benefit of an internet dating site is knowing that you may meet your great love in one click on a dating profile. You’re about to learn the secret of making the right click and choosing your best love match on internet dating sites, or when you accidentally bump into the love of your life.

The secret is to become a conscious dater.

I learned about conscious dating skills from Atlanta-based relationship coach and syndicated columnist, Jeff Herring. I’ve listed the 4 dating skill that you can learn right now. Then I’ve explained how you can use these skills on internet dating sites as you make a real connection with your virtual date.

4 Skills Of Conscious Dating That Guide You To Your Great Love

1. Scouting

Looking around your neighborhood or the world for people to whom you are attracted.
When you scout online, it’s often called searching or hunting for your love match.

2. Sorting

Having conversations that tell you whether this person is worth pursuing.

In online dating sites, you can have these conversations via email, by phone or video chats. However, there is a danger you can fall in love at first write or sound or sight through these virtual conversations.

In this step, you sort through your real feelings and compatibility to determine if you should make a real date with your virtual date by meeting face-to-face.

3. Screening

Doing things together and having longer conversations that tell you whether this person could become your life partner. Screening is not a virtual activity, since you’re now doing things together in person. That’s true for the final step:

4. Testing

Doing life together to see if this is doable over the long haul. Dating sounds simple when you see it as a conscious process and use these skills on dating sites.

How To Use These Skills To Make A Real Connection With Your Virtual Date:

There is a unique benefit of being a conscious dater on internet dating sites.

You may get a few chances to make a good first impression, as you progress through 4 stages of virtual meetings:

– being attracted to photos
– feeling interested in certain dating profiles
– getting to know a virtual date in e-notes
– enjoying phone and video conversations

A virtual connection may be captivating, but it isn’t real until you meet in person and see what feelings arise.

In each of these 4 stages of virtual meetings, you can move past chit-chat to make a meaningful connection.

How?

Casually mention issues, interests and core values that are important to you in order to find out how your virtual date feels about them.

For example, if you’re a single parent, you might tell your virtual date in an early email or video chat that you love to go to your kids school and sports events, including their hockey games on weekend nights. Then watch their reactions.

They’ll let you know if spending weekend evenings with kids at the ice rink is Not their idea of fun.
You’ll be able to tell if they like kids, respect your commitment to family, and would enjoy being part of the fun.
If single parenting is your top priority, you would know which virtual match is a good fit for you on that issue.

What if you meet your love match by chance in real life?

If you have given thought to the strengths and special qualities that you seek and offer your love match, you’ll know what questions you may want to ask at first glance. After you playfully say, “You had me at Hello.”

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